


Heart and Shoulder

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-28
Updated: 2006-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 11:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15095933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Summary: CJ comforts Toby when his father dies, but that brings up the past they think they buried long ago.





	1. Heart and Shoulder

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Disclaimer: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No Copyright infringement is intended. 

The title of this story comes from the Heather Nova song "Heart and Shoulder." 

It's set about one year in the future; the time frame isn't really important, I just wanted to allow for enough time to pass that her relationship with Danny would have run its course. I didn't want to deal with the end of it because I can't think of any way it could end well, and I'm a C.J./Danny fan too so I don't want to make him the bad guy. But I'm not going to make any guesses about where the characters' lives would be a year or so down the road; I'm only assuming her relationship with Danny is over and not much of an issue and the Democrats won the midterm elections.

*****

C.J. strode into her office, finding her assistant, Carol. "Good morning!" she greeted her cheerfully.

Carol looked up with a slightly raised eyebrow, surprised at her boss' unusually happy demeanor. "It's Monday morning."

"Yes."

"And you're smiling."

"Do you know what I'm doing today, Carol?"

"You have staff in ten minutes."

"Well, that's certainly true, but it's not exactly a reason to jump out of bed on a Monday morning."

Carol consulted the schedule she held in her hands. "You have a briefing at noon."

"Carol!"

"Could it be that your little sister is coming to visit tonight?"

"Yes it could." C.J. emerged from behind her desk with a notebook and a stack of papers in hand. "She's flying in from California tonight to spend five days in town. Five days with my brilliant little sister, to show her around the city, show her off to everyone... She's a senior at Berkeley, did you know that?"

"C.J."

"Yes, I'm on my way." She left her office for the senior staff meeting and saw Josh and Sam just ahead in the hallway. She hurried to join them. "Guess what I'm doing tonight."

Josh pretended to give it a lot of thought. "Let me just take a wild stab at it.... You're going to Washington National to pick up your sister Katie, who, by the way, is a semester away from completing her bachelor's degree in education at the esteemed Berkeley University, which, it must further be noted, she is attending to follow in her beloved older sister's footsteps."

"I mentioned that before?"

"Once or twice," Sam smiled. "And, also, you mean University of California at Berkeley. Berkley University is in Michigan."

"Thanks for clearing that up."

"Sure," Sam grinned.

"Also bear in mind she just made the Dean's list for the seventh consecutive semester, and she's already been courted by some of the finest secondary schools in California," C.J. added.

Josh laughed. "Ah, she's been courted."

"Forget all that stuff," Sam said. "What I really want to know is, is she cute?"

She turned to him wrathfully. "Sam!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!"

"You better be."

They entered Leo's office together. Toby was already inside and sat on the couch; Leo stood, leaning on the edge of his desk.

C.J. sat next to Toby. "My sister's flying in tonight."

"Yes, I know."

"She's--"

"Shut up."

Leo cleared his throat, signaling he was ready to start the meeting. "This is shaping up to be a light week so let's just get through this quickly. We have two major bills going in front of Congress this week that we have to get passed -- Josh, call Malone and John Anderson and make sure they're on board for 440, whoever else you think we need to get to."

"Done."

"Our education bill should go through no problem," Leo continued. "Over the weekend the President of France will be visiting the White House, so there's plenty of preparations to be made there. Oh, and the First Lady wanted me to remind everyone that Thursday is the President's birthday so you should all keep the evening open."

"Is she going to give us any details on this, or even, you know, acknowledge there's gonna be a party?" Sam asked.

Leo sighed, irritated. "I would imagine, at some point, but for the time being she's taking great pains to do this well and keep it secret from her very nosy husband."

There was a quiet knock at the door and Ginger poked her head in.

"Yeah?" Leo prompted.

"Sorry to interrupt. Toby, there's a phone call for you. It's your mother."

Josh snickered. "Toby, your mommy's calling -- you'd better run home before you're grounded!"

Toby ignored him. "Can it wait?"

"She said it was an emergency."

He looked to Leo, who nodded. "Go ahead. In fact, we're pretty much done here. You can all go."

C.J. was the last one out, and she stopped for a moment on the way back to her office, seeing Toby on the phone. He was rubbing his forehead, his eyebrows knotted, looking down at the ground. He seemed troubled and worried, and she felt an urge to ask him what was wrong and offer her support. But she quickly thought better of it and continued on to her office.

*****

C.J. spent the rest of the day tiptoeing around Toby. Everytime someone said something to him she saw him snap at them or ignore them altogether, and while she knew he was often withdrawn and irritable, she could tell this was something else. Whatever that phone call had been about, it really got to him. But no one else seemed to notice.

She went to Josh for a second opinion and found him on the phone. He signaled that it would just be a minute.

"Really? Oh, that's great, Bob. Okay. Okay, thank you." He hung up.

"Was that Malone?"

"Yeah, 440's gonna go through. What do you need?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just about to leave to get Katie, and I was bored."

"Really, what do you need?"

She sat down in the chair across from him. "Have you noticed Toby acting ... strangely today?"

"What do you mean, strangely?"

"I don't know, he's just been acting strangely since he got that phone call this morning. You haven't noticed it?"

"No. What do you care?"

"He's my friend, Josh."

"Okay, I'll make you a suggestion," he said, leaning forward. "Ask Toby why Toby's been acting strangely."

"That's certainly a valid suggestion."

"But."

"She thought about it for a moment, weighing the options. "No, it's a good suggestion." Without another word she got up and left his office.

Josh shrugged to himself. "Well, glad I could help..."

*****

Toby didn't look up to acknowledge the knock at his door. "What?"

She didn't leave the doorway, wary of intruding any more than she felt she had to. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

He laughed. It wasn't a kind laugh. "You wanted to see if I was okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'm fine."

"It's just that--"

"C.J., I have a lot of work to do."

She gave him a long look, trying to decide if he meant it or if she cared. Grudgingly, she concluded that he did -- at least the part about wanting to be alone -- and she decided to honor his wishes. She flashed him as warm and apologetic a smile as she could manage, and left.

*****

C.J. returned to her office and sat, feet up on the desk, arms folded. She didn't begrudge Toby his wish to keep his problems private; she knew he was a secretive person and expected no other reaction. Still, she'd always had something of a mother hen instinct, especially with Toby, as she felt she was probably the only person in the West Wing who could make any viable claim to knowing him at all. It was frustrating not to know how to help.

She looked at her watch. Katie's plane was scheduled to land in about half an hour. She started to get ready to leave, but looked up to see Toby pass by her office door with his coat on. A lot of work to do, my ass! she thought.

Changing her mind quickly, she rifled through her cluttered desk for her address book. She found her sister's cell phone number and dialed.

Katie answered after two rings. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me." She already sounded apologetic.

"Hey, Claude! We took off a little late -- I think we're going to land in 45 minutes. But I can't wait to see you!"

"I can't wait to see you too." C.J. grimaced. "But I'm afraid I'm going to be even later than you are."

"Oh, was there an emergency at work?"

"Not exactly. I think a friend of mine needs someone to talk to, and I want to be there for him.

"Him?" C.J. could just picture the smirk her sister was wearing.

"It's not like that."

"Well, that's too bad. Anyway, I understand."

"I owe you big time, Katie."

"Yes you do. But you've got five days to make it up to me."

"Thank you for understanding. You have the address to my apartment, right?"

"Yep."

"Okay, just talk to the girl at the front desk, she's expecting you. She can give you a key."

"She's expecting me?"

"Just about every person I know in the city and a fair amount I don't are expecting you."

Katie laughed. "Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you later tonight."

"I won't be too long, I hope. Talk to you soon."

"Bye."

C.J. hung up, grabbed her coat, and rushed out the door.

*****

C.J. wandered around the streets of D.C. without any real idea of where she was going. She knew that Toby sometimes liked to take solitary walks through the city when he had a lot on his mind, but she had no idea where he went. Just as she was about to give up her search figuring he had gone home, C.J. found Toby sitting on the steps of the reflecting pool. She hesitated, thinking again that he probably wanted to be left alone. But as she watched him staring blankly out at the water, she realized that he looked not alone so much as lonely, and he might just need a friend. With a deep breath, she gathered the courage to give it one last shot and walked over and sat beside him.

"Hey," she ventured softly.

He didn't look up. "Hey."

She waited a minute before continuing, unsure exactly how to start. "This is probably none of my business--"

"It is."

"--but I've been worried about you." She looked to him for a reaction, but found none. "Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you, in whatever capacity you need. To listen, or just be here with you in silence, or -- I'll leave if you want."

"You probably should."

She sat there for a minute and studied his face, still waiting for any indication of any emotion. Nothing. She started to leave.

"Wait."

She turned, surprised, and saw in his eyes now not cold indifference or neediness, but a grateful appeal he hadn't known how to make until now. There was almost something welcoming there.

Reassured, she returned to the steps. He still offered no explanations, but they sat in a more comfortable silence now. She realized that he wasn't being, and hadn't been, standoffish; he just didn't know what to say. Cautiously, she reached out and took his hand in hers. He responded by squeezing it and enveloping it in both of his. He glanced at her and they shared a small smile.

He began tentatively. "You know this morning, when my mother called..."

"Yeah?"

"My father died. He had a massive heart attack."

"Oh, Toby--" She didn't know what to say.

"He'd had a few smaller ones over the past couple years. It's not like there was no warning." He looked away, pausing a minute before going on. "Still, I wasn't there. We'd barely spoken for the last two years."

"Toby, you aren't to blame --"

"I wasn't there, C.J.!" His tone caught her off guard. He softened, and continued. "We were never close. I think he always wanted a son he could teach sports to, you know, show the ropes of the family business, and I never wanted any of that. I disappointed him, and there was almost nothing about him I respected. But I knew he was dying, and I never visited, I never called. The divorce pretty much ended any relationship we'd ever had. After that he all but disowned me."

C.J. cringed at the mention of his divorce. "Maybe I'm not the person you should be talking to about this."

"Yes you are. You the only person I have to talk to about this."

"God, I'm so sorry."

"You aren't to blame either, C.J. I made the decision a long time ago, and I dont regret it. This is on me."

A moment went by in silence, then she dared to ask what she was really wondering. "You don't regret it?"

"No." She allowed herself a small smile, which he returned with a devilish twinkle in his eye, a silent understanding between two people who had something secret from the rest of the world. "Do you?"

"This is on you, remember?"

He laughed a little at that. Another long silence ensued before either spoke again.

She turned to look at him directly and stated, "I don't think you should be alone tonight."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

It infuriated him how she assumed she knew him so well. But her concern was flattering, he had to admit. "C.J., your sister is waiting for you."

"She'll understand."

"I can't believe you even left her this long."

"For you?" She smiled at him. "Okay. You're really fine?"

"Yes."

"You're lying?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

They shared a genuine smile, the first time she felt her presence had started to make him feel better. Even though he didn't say it she could see the relief and gratitude in his eyes.

"If you need anything--" she started.

"I'll tell you."

"You won't."

"I know."

"I'm here for you, Toby."

"I know."

 

  


	2. Heart and Shoulder 2

Toby hadn't even reached his office the next morning before he was ambushed by Bonnie. "Your mother called again," she said, handing him a phone message.

"I don't understand, can't the woman call me at home?"

"She said she tried several times but you didn't pick up."

He threw his things down on his desk and read the note with a scowl, crumpling it as he finished. "The fun just never stops."

*****

"Well, this is my office!" C.J. said, spreading her arms wide.

Katie looked around. "Wow."

"Yeah?"

"It's really small."

"It's not that bad!"

"I mean, you guys are running the country here, you would think --"

"To be fair, we're not exactly running the country. All we're here for, essentially, is to keep the man who does run the country from making a fool out of himself on a daily basis."

Josh strolled in. "Hey."

"Hey, Josh, this is --"

"No, let me guess. The infamous Katie."

Katie smiled. "Oh God, what has she said about me?"

"I know everything there is to know about you, young lady, all the way up to embarrassing home videos and naked baby photos."

Katie looked mortified. "Are you serious?"

C.J. laughed. "No, he's not. But just about everything short of that."

"Try as I might, though, I couldn't manage to get anything bad out of her. So all I know about you is that you've got a perfect 4.0 for your college career, you're a brilliant cellist, and the star center on the girls varsity basketball team."

"Well, we're not exactly known for our girls basketball program."

"True enough," Josh conceeded. "C.J., I hate to interrupt the grand tour, but there's been a small turn of events. Do you mind if I steal your sister away for a couple minutes, Katie?"

"No, not at all."

"Oh, wait --" He saw Charlie outside in the hallway. "Hey, Charlie!"

Charlie came in. "What do you need, Josh?"

"I need to talk to C.J. You wouldn't mind showing this stunning lass around for awhile, would you?"

"Oh, you must be Katie," Charlie said, extending his hand.

Katie shook it. "Yeah. I feel like a celebrity around here!"

"Well your reputation precedes you. I'd be glad to show you around. Zoey will want to meet you."

"I'm going to meet the President's daughter!"

"Play your cards right," Josh said, "you might even meet the President."

"I'll catch up with you later, for lunch, if not sooner," C.J. said. "Thanks for doing this, Charlie."

"Absolutely."

"Good to meet you, Katie," Josh called after her as she left.

"Yeah, you too!"

"So," C.J. said, "a small turn of events?"

"Yes, small."

"I thought you got to Anderson and Malone."

"I did. That bill's gonna pass."

"Oh don't tell me --"

"Yep," Josh sighed. "A pretty large number of House Republicans have decided to oppose the education bill."

"Why? That was a sure thing!"

"Apparently this is retribution for 1042."

"Are you kidding me? That was months ago!"

"They've been saving it for something they knew could really hurt us."

"Well what do they want?"

"I'm not exactly sure yet, but I'll find out. In the meantime, no hint of any alarm to the press. We're going to get this back."

"Got it."

Josh started to leave, then turned back. "Oh, by the way, your sister's pretty damn cool."

"Told you."

*****

"Hey," C.J. said, sitting down in the chair across trom Toby's desk.

He stopped typing. "What's going on?"

"Josh told me there's going to be problem with the floor vote."

"Yeah, I know." He gave her a quizzical look. "You knew Josh would have told me."

"Yes."

"So?"

"So, I wanted an excuse to come see how you are." He started to respond and she cut him off quickly. "And don't say you're fine."

"Actually I was going to say I feel like shit."

"What now?"

"My mother called Diane last night and she's flying in from New York for the funeral as we speak."

"Oh," she said, pointedly.

"Yes."

"So -- she's flying into D.C.?"

"Yeah."

"Your parents lived in the city?"

"Rockville."

"I never knew that."

"Well, there's a lot you don't know."

"Sure." She paused before pressing on. "Still, living so close..."

"What?"

"I don't know, you'd think they would be around now and then, to see their son at work, hear some of your speeches."

"I wasn't kidding, C.J. My father and I were not close. We didn't talk. I was dead to him."

"That's awful."

"Yeah, well." He sighed. "They always loved Diane, though. Even when my father and I were civil he still seemed to only want me around when she was with me. It was the one good thing I ever did in his eyes, marrying her. They adored Diane." C.J. noticed his eyes gained a certain subtle glow when he spoke of his ex-wife. "That's why she's coming. He was closer to her than he ever was to me."

"You going to be okay with seeing her?"

"Are you?"

"Toby, it's not about me."

"You honestly believe that?"

"It was a long time ago."

"All right."

"She doesn't know about me, does she?"

"Well she knows about you, but she doesn't know you."

C.J. looked relieved. "Okay, good."

Katie knocked tentatively. "C.J.?"

"Oh, hey," C.J. smiled at her. "Come in. Katie, this is Toby Ziegler, our Communications Director."

"Hi."

"I've heard a lot about you." He laughed, eyeing C.J. "I'm sure you've had that a lot today."

"Yes, I have," she said, rolling her eyes at her sister.

"Toby told me to shut up when I told him about you."

"Yes, after you had already told me twenty times," he retorted.

Katie watched them tease each other with a careful eye and couldn't help but smile. "Well, if I'm not interrupting --"

"No, are you ready to go to lunch?"

"If you are. Nice meeting you, Toby."

He was amused by the level of familiarity she had assumed instinctively. In just the short time he had known her she reminded him of C.J. a lot. "Nice to meet you."

*****

"Did you get to meet everyone?" C.J. asked, sitting across from Katie in a crowded restaurant.

"Yeah, pretty much. I met Leo and Sam, and Charlie and Zoey are great."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"So," Katie began with a mischievous smile, "which one was the guy you left me for last night?"

C.J. knew what she was getting at, but couldn't avoid the question. "the last one you met, Toby."

"I thought so. I would've gone for Sam myself."

C.J. had to laugh. Her sister was always looking after her love life. "First of all, I'm not going for anyone. And stay away from Sam."

"He's cute!"

"Yeah, he decided you were cute before he even met you. What made you think it was Toby?"

"I don't know, seeing you two together, even as briefly as I did, you seemed to be really good... friends, if you insist."

"What does that mean?"

"It seemed like something more to me, but you know I'm just a romantic at heart."

"Yeah, well, how's Cupid's love life doing?"

"Go ahead, change the subject, that's fine. There hasn't been anyone serious, not since I broke up with Mike. I told you about that, right?"

"Yes."

"I've just been having a good time with friends, you know, large groups, a couple dates here and there."

"That's smart."

"Nothing interesting."

"Before you start," C.J. said, raising a hand to stop her, "there's nothing interesting going on over here either."

"I beg to differ." Katie leaned forward confidentially. "Really, sister to sister, what's going on with you and Toby?"

"Nothing!"

"I just don't believe you!"

C.J. saw she wan't going to be able to deny it altogether. Katie just knew her too well. "All right. There was, was, something between Toby and I. But that was a long time ago, and we're friends now."

"You never told me about this! When?"

"When we first met. During the primaries."

"Why did it end?"

C.J. looked away. She hated to say it out loud. She never told anyone before. "He was married."

"Oh God, Claude..."

"It destroyed their marriage. They had problems before that, but that was definitely what caused the divorce. I didn't know he was married at first, but I still felt -- I still feel horribly guilty. I'm just glad it didn't destroy our friendship as well."

"Did anyone else know about it?"

"The First Lady, but that was it, as far as I know. We managed to keep it a secret for the most part. She and the President are like the poster children for the perfect relationship, so I don't know if she necessarily approved, but she was supportive."

"Claude, I would have been supportive."

"I know you would have, and I should have told you, but I was just so \--"

"Don't say ashamed. You should never feel ashamed about love."

"Who said anything about love?"

Katie saw something she had never seen before in her sister's eyes when she connected the thought of Toby and love, even in denial of it. Her voice was barely above a whisper as she realized it. "You're still in love with him."

C.J. looked at her watch. "You know I really should get back to the West Wing."

"Avoidance is a step up from denial, I suppose."

"Katie."

"All right, I'll let it go. For now."

*****

"You still wear your ring."

Toby looked up to see a woman with shoulder-length auburn hair standing in the doorway, her arms crossed.

"How did you get in here?"

"I don't even get a hello?"

"Hello, Diane. How did you get in here?"

"I told them I was your wife."

"Wait a second, they cleared you just because you said you were my wife?"

"Yes."

"The security here is terrifying."

She moved to sit across from him in the chair, putting her feet up on his desk. "You still wear your ring," she repeated.

"You still keep my name."

She sized him up for a moment and flashed him an icy smile. "Would you have called me if your mother didn't?"

"Probably not."

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"You were closer to him than I was."

"Which is why I'm saying the loss must be harder on you."

"All right."

"Have you seen him at all, since -- ?"

"Once. He refused to speak to me. You've kept in contact with them?"

"Mostly over the phone, yes. You know what?"

"What?"

"We've just spent five minutes in the same room being relatively civil to each other."

"Even with a couple years' time of festering resentment."

"I'm very proud of us."

"Amazing that in the wake of my divorce I'd end up on better terms with my ex than my own father."

"Oh, make no mistake about it, Toby, we'll never be on good terms."

"I had no illusions that we would."

"Well," she said, standing, "I should get out of here before we start fighting. I just wanted to let you know I was here in person."

"Okay."

"The funeral is Friday?"

"11 o'clock."

"Okay. And Toby?"

"Yeah?"

"I really am sorry for your loss."

*****

C.J. walked down the corridors back to her office, thinking about everything Katie had said at lunch. She told herself her sister was just picking up on feelings that were buried years ago if she was picking up on anything real at all. But she wasn't convinced. Katie was very perceptive, and she knew C.J. better than anyone. She wondered if there could still be something there.

She was so lost in thought that when she turned the corner she ran right into a woman, knocking the contents of her purse all over the floor.

"I'm so sorry!" C.J. bent over to help her collect her things.

"It's okay, don't worry about it." She stood after gathering everything up. "I'm Diane Ziegler."

"Oh, Toby's ex-wife," C.J. said, caught off guard. "I'm C.J. Cregg."

"He told you about me. Nothing too horrible, I hope."

"Only the nicest things a man can say about his ex."

"I'm going to be in town a few days, for his father's funeral."

"Yeah, he mentioned that. It's a tragedy that they left things the way they did."

Diane raised an eyebrow. "You two must be really close."

Oh God, she knows, C.J. thought. "I guess you could say that," she ventured warily.

"It just surprises me because Toby had always been sort of a loner. But I'm glad to see he has a friend to confide in. I just hope he hasn't biased you against me."

"Not at all." C.J. was relieved she didn't seem to realize.

"Well I have to go -- I haven't even checked into the hotel yet. It was nice to meet you, C.J."

"You too." She watched Diane leave and buried her face in her hands, consumed with guilt.

*****

"Are you busy?" Toby entered C.J.'s office and sat on the couch, not waiting for an answer.

"No." She finished reading the last sentence of a memo and sat down next to Toby. "How did it go?"

"Better than I expected. We avoided a screaming match anyway, so that's something."

"I ran into her just now, literally."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"C.J., you shouldn't feel guilty."

"I do. I ruined your marriage, Toby, and I can't even comfort myself with the image of her as a horrible bitch anymore. She's really -- nice."

"Wait till you get to know her."

"I'm serious, Toby."

"We had problems long before you came along."

"I understand that, but if I hadn't come along --"

"Then we would have gone on in misery for years. It's not like if you hadn't come along we could've fixed everything and love would have triumphed over all. We weren't compatible. Neither one of us wanted to have less control in the relationship. By the end of it, we really hated each other. I couldn't deal with the fighting anymore. You probably did us both a huge favor."

"Don't say that. I might be able to believe the rest of it but please don't say that."

"All right. Just don't lose any sleep over it, because that would make me feel awful. I've burdened you with enough of my problems already."

"I don't mind it. But I'll try to let go of this one. Do you need anything?"

"No. I just needed to see a comforting face."

"And you had to settle for me."

He smiled at her. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

 


	3. Heart and Shoulder 3

"I found out just a couple minutes ago our bill is going to be referred to the Senate later today," Leo said, starting another early-morning senior staff briefing. "Kaplan and Berkowitz are co-sponsoring an amendment they'll present to the floor this afternoon."

"What's in it?" Josh asked, not sure he wanted to know.

"Some minor tax measures, but ones we do not want to live with."

"What are we doing about it?" C.J. wondered.

"You know what, I say we do nothing," Sam jumped in. "We need this thing to pass."

Toby was enraged. "Oh for God's sakes, we haven't let Republicans walk all over us like this in months! We have a goddamned majority in Congress now!"

Josh shook his head. "Not by enough. Some of our people are going to be pressured to vote no, even without the amendment."

"Look, we're not going to win them all, and maybe we got a little cocky," Sam said, shrugging. "This is a decent one to lose on."

"I don't think we can afford to attract any attention to this. We look panicked, we look like we lost either way. I think we should let it go, make sure the bill gets through." Everyone seemed to be in agreement with Leo but Toby. "C.J., obviously we aren't going to be able to keep this from the press any longer. Just play it like it's no big deal."

"Okay."

"If no one has anything else, dismissed."

*****

Toby returned to his office, still grumbling about giving in to the Republicans without a fight. He couldn't stand losing, and losing to Republicans \-- especially when he thought it could be stopped -- was unacceptable. What he found in his office did nothing to improve his mood.

"God, Diane, it's 9 o'clock in the morning. Do you really have nothing better to do than hang around here making my life miserable?"

"No," she replied with a smirk.

"Why the hell did you fly in so early when the funeral's not till Friday?"

"Just to hang around here and make your life miserable."

"You just took four days off from your big, high-powered law firm to hang around in D.C. with nothing to do?"

"I own my big, high-powered law firm, Toby; I can do pretty much whatever the hell I want."

"Well that must be nice. I, on the other hand, have a lot of work to do so I really don't have time for a little chat, as fun as this is. I've got to write a speech for the President's meeting with the French President this weekend, we've got a Senate crisis to resolve, I have to get some notes to C.J. on --"

"Wait a second, say that again." There was something about that she didn't quite like.

"What, all of it?"

"Nevermind." She turned on her heel and left his office.

*****

"C.J.?"

She looked up to see Diane standing in the doorway. "Oh hey, come in. What do you need?"

"I'll get right to the point, C.J." Diane sat across from her and crossed her legs. "Last night, the reason you new so much abut Toby and I ... It was you."

C.J.'s breath caught in her throat, taken completely aback. She didn't know what to say. But out of respect for Diane she decided not to deny it. "Yes."

"Well, thank you for that."

Her reaction surprised C.J. She didn't yell or even raise her voice, although C.J. wouldn't have blamed her. Instead she became quieter and her eyes gained a sad quality.

"We never really discussed it. That was the last straw, and I didn't want to know any of the sordid details. But I always pictured you as something else. You know, the young, half-witted blonde tramp type. Maybe that's just how I wanted to picture you. I certainly didn't want to picture you as someone I could like or respect, someone Toby could actually fall in love with. I don't know why, somehow I always thought I would feel better if I knew it was just a meaningless affair. But it wasn't, was it?"

C.J. winced. She didn't want to hurt her, but she didn't want to lie, either. "No, it wasn't."

"I didn't think so."

"Diane, if it means anything at all, I am so sorry."

This was the first time she seemed angry. "You've been so honest with me so far, C.J. Don't say things you know you don't mean."

"I do mean that. I won't tell you I regret my relationship with Toby. But for the pain I caused you and the damage I did to your marriage, I don't think I can ever forgive myself."

"You know, I've spent almost three years of my life hating you. It was a lot easier to hate you. But I really like you, C.J." She laughed a little at that. "I guess I'm happy about it on some level. As much as I hate to admit it, I'd rather think that if anyone had to come between Toby and I, it would be someone like you. As hard as that is on my ego."

"I admire you, Diane. I don't know if I could be as understanding and gracious if I were in your position."

"I think you would. In the end, it just takes too much energy to keep carrying around all your old resentments." Diane stood, but before she left she added, "I'm glad he has you, C.J."

*****

"Come on, Charlie!"

"Charlie, we're starving!"

Charlie was being ambushed by Zoey and Katie and he knew he wasn't going to be able to escape with the two of them working together. "I would love to take the two of you out to lunch, but as you can see I have a lot of work to do."

"Didn't you promise Josh you would take care of Katie?" Zoey asked with a sly smile.

"Yes I did, but for the day. In fact I think what he actually said was 'for awhile.' I am under no further obligation to act as your chaperone."

"I always thought of 'awhile' as a pretty long period of time," Katie said.

"Besides, didn't he actually mean whenever C.J. wasn't availible to do it herself?"

"I'm sorry guys, but I'm a lot more worried about getting in trouble with the President than Josh."

"You should be most worried about getting in trouble with me, Charlie." The First Lady entered the room, greeting the three young people with a warm smile. "You must be C.J.'s sister, Katie. I'm Abigail Bartlet."

"I know," she giggled. "It's an honor to meet you."

"Likewise," she said, winking at her. "Charlie, take these girls out to lunch. I'll take care of the President."

"Yes, ma'am, but --"

"Ah ah ah, no buts. Indispensible as you are, he can get along without you for an hour."

"Thanks, Mom," Zoey said.

"Anytime, sweetheart. But in return, I expect a little favor of my own. Tomorrow night we're having a little party for the President's birthday in the ballroom. I need you to remind everyone you see about it. but not a word to the President. Got it?"

All three nodded.

"Oh, and you're certainly invited, Katie."

Her whole face lit up at the thought of going to a real White House gala. "Really?"

"Absolutely. I have to go tell everyone else about it. "And Charlie \--"

"We're leaving right now, Mrs. Bartlet."

*****

"I didn't come back here to make your life miserable."

"Hello, Diane. Where did you go?"

"I was talking to C.J."

"Ah."

"No," she said, leaning forward meaningfully, "I'm saying, I was talking to C.J."

He realized the implications of what she was saying and looked down, rubbing his forehead. "She told you?"

"I figured it out. She didn't deny it."

"I should have told you."

"Yeah, you should have."

"So," Toby said, looking up, "did you lambaste her or did you save it all for me now?"

"I'm not going to lash out at either of you. It was a long time ago."

"Why do you both keep saying that like it doesn't matter?"

"It doesn't matter anymore, Toby."

"Well, good." He got up and moved to sit on the couch. She followed suit and sat next to him.

"You want to talk about it?"

He looked at her incredulously. "Are you serious?"

"No -- I mean your father."

He leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes wearily. "I really don't."

"All right." She watched him with genuine concern, knowing he was trying desperately to keep inside all-consuming feelings of guilt and remorse. She also knew he would not acknowledge his emotions until forced to the absolute breaking point. She only hoped someone would be there for him when it happened. But she was there now; instinctively, she reached over and hugged him.

The familiarity of her embrace was calming to him. He buried his face in her hair; it smelled just as he remembered, and brought back the memories of all the quiet intimate moments they had shared so many years ago.

The moment was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Excuse me, Toby?" It was the First Lady.

He disentangled himself from Diane's arms and sat up straight. "Ah, Mrs. Bartlet, this is my ex-wife, Diane."

"It's a pleasure to meet you."

"You too." Abigail eyed them suspiciously, but shook it off quickly. "I've just been making my rounds -- there's going to be a little get-together tomorrow night at 8:00."

"A little get-together?" Toby asked, amused.

"Yes, that's what I'm calling it. Diane, if you're free --"

"I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure I will be."

"That's fine too. Toby, you understand the option doesn't apply to you."

"Of course."

"Just as long as you know. And don't forget -- it's a secret!"

She continued down the hall to notify the staff members she hadn't gotten to yet and passed C.J. on her way.

"Hey, C.J. -- tomorrow night, 8 o'clock, ballroom, black tie!"

"I'm there!"

She went on to Toby's office and was surprised to see him and Diane sitting on the couch together completely comfortable, no tension between them whatsoever. Her image of them as feuding exes dissolved, and she had trouble deciding why that bothered her as much as it did.

"What's going on?" Toby asked after she stood there awkwardly for a few seconds.

"Oh -- Josh had this memo for you. It's about your speech."

Diane saw nothing of the apprehension in C.J.'s demeanor, but she felt it within herself as she watched her hand the paper to Toby, their hands touching for an instant, his subtle unnameable expression, the way she left without a backwards glance as if she was hiding something deliberately for Diane's benefit. She hated the way that made her feel.

She rose. "I should leave."

"You don't have to."

"No, I do. I need to call and check in with the office. They must be falling apart without me."

"That happens."

She wondered if he meant something by that, but quickly put it out of her mind. "I'm probably not going to see you tomorrow, but do you want to drive to Rockville together?"

"Yeah, I'll call you."

"Okay. See you then."

*****

"So, how did it end?" Katie asked C.J., back at her apartment that night.

"How did what end?"

"You and Toby."

"I told you."

"No you didn't. You just told me it ended. He was married and that was the end of it."

"That's pretty much all there was to it."

Katie gave her a look that clearly said, Yeah, right.

"It wan't a big thing, Katie. He came to me and told me his wife found out and they were getting a divorce. We didn't talk about it much. It was pretty clear that it was over for us too."

Katie was dumbfounded. "That's it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just like that? That's the end of it?"

"What else did you expect?"

"I don't know... something. Claude, you can't just leave it like that. No wonder you're still hung up on him. You never had any closure."

"Well maybe it's not the healthiest way to leave a relationship, but it's a little late to fix now."

"No it's not. You're in love with him, Claude. It's never too late."

"First of all, Katie, you'd make a much better living for yourself writing soap operas than teaching."

She laughed. "Second?"

"I'm not in love with him!" she said, exasperated.

"All right, you know what, you can lie to yourself, and you can probably lie to him too. But I'm your sister. And I've spent every day of my life looking up to you, studying everything you did, wanting to be just like you. I know you, Claudia Jean. And I've never seen you like this. You're in love with him."

"It doesn't matter whatever I do or don't feel for him. His father just died, and I'm not sure he's entirely over his ex-wife yet. It's the worst possible time to do this."

"Just answer me this."

"Okay."

"Will there ever be a good time?"

C.J. sighed. "Fair point."

"Go talk to him, Claude. You can't just leave it like that."

*****

C.J. found herself standing at Toby's doorstep, uncertain of what she was doing there. She had no discernable purpose and nothing to gain. Everything rational in her said she should leave, but she ignored it and, after a deep breath, knocked.

Toby came to the door, still in his suit and tie, as if he had just gotten home from the office. He acted like she woke him up. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

"C.J., it's after midnight."

"Can I come in?"

He opened the door wide and motioned for her to enter. After she took off her coat, he repeated, "What are you doing here?"

"I was hoping you weren't going to ask me that again."

"I think it's a perfectly legitimate question."

"It is, but I still dont have a logical answer for you."

"C.J.," he began, trying to restrain his increasing frustration, "you come over here in the middle of the night, I'd think you would do a little better than that."

"The thing is, I was hoping you could start."

"Start what?"

"The conversation."

"About -- ?"

"Whatever you want."

He knew exactly why she had come; he knew exacly what she was thinking and exactly what she wated to get out of him. He knew better than she did. And it was the last thing he intended to offer to her. He wanted nothing more than to laugh it of and send her home more confused than she came. But there was something about her presence right then, so expectant and innocent, that made him reconsider. He knew it was such a rare concession for her to make, so much so that he hardly minded putting himself open and vulnerable. So much so that it hardly seemed out of character.

"After all this time, I have never been able to get you out of my heart."

He said it so matter-of-factly, so nonchalantly, intent upon shocking her so that she wouldn't realize the meaning of his words. She saw right through his frozen exterior to the truth neither one wanted to reveal, but she still didn't know how to acknowlege or deal with it. "What?"

"C.J., I said it."

"I heard it. What does it mean?"

"You know what it means."

"Well... why?"

He struggled to answer, trying to find the words to tell her what she really meant to him, how much he really thought of her. He was silent so long C.J. began to think he wasn't going to reply. Finally he attempted to make an earnest response, but couldn't quite manage it. "You're so... you're just so... tall."

She didn't know whether to laugh out loud or take him seriously. But he looked completely sincere, and pained.

"You know, I didn't think you were into all that declaring yourself crap either." He was almost angry.

"I'm not.... I'm sorry."

"Why did you come here anyway?"

"My sister told me we never had any real closure and that was why I couldn't let it go. She told me I should talk to you. But really I just wanted to hear you say that. I just never thought you would."

"Did you think I forgot everything that happened?"

"No.... I don't know."

"Why the hell do you think I hated the idea of you and Danny so much?"

"Well why do you think it took me so long to go ahead with Danny?"

They stared at each other in silence as they finally realized all the things they had taken great pains to hide, which could never be hidden again. But the realizations weren't entirely happy ones. They brought with them an air of finality.

Toby shook his head. "You know what, it doesn't really matter."

She backed away from him and leaned against the dining room table, resigned. "We just don't work."

"Well, that's not exactly our problem."

"What is our problem, then?"

"Our problem is not that we don't work; it's that we work too well."

She was beginning to lose her patience. "Could you possibly be a little more ambiguous, Toby, because that almost makes sense."

"You don't know what I mean?"

"No."

"Let me show you."

"Okay."

He approached slowly, his eyes glued to hers. She couldn't force herself to look away. He wrapped his arms around her, tightly yet gentle, one hand in her hair and the other around the small of her back, pulling her away from the table she was leaning on towards him. The kiss began soft and light, gradually becoming more passionate. At first she tried to resist, knowing what would happen if she let herself go. But the attraction between them was still so strong. She fell into his arms, tightening her hands around his shoulders and neck. For a moment they forgot where they were and who they were and everything that had happened between them, completely lost in each other. Suddenly he pulled away.

"You understand?"

"Yes."

"We work too well."

"Yes." She composed herself and started putting on her coat. "I should go."

She left quickly, without looking back. She didn't want to see the look in his eyes. There was no expression she could have seen in his face that would make her feel better. And she couldn't imagine there was anything that could happen to make the situaltion better. She just wanted to go back to avoidance and denial; mostly she just wanted to get out of his house.

He let her go. He couldn't stand to see her there for another minute, wanting to say a million things to her and not being able to say them. There was nothing left to say, nothing that could make a difference. Well, maybe one more thing... He opened the door and called after her, "I just wanted to tell you... Thank you." He felt a little silly standing there. He wasn't exactly sure just what he was trying to do. "For -- everything. Thank you."

She understood what he meant, and returned the sentiment with a small but heartfelt smile. She drove away a little happier, but no more hopeful about the future.

 


	4. Heart and Shoulder 4

"Could I have everybody's attention?" The First Lady tapped a fork against her glass. "Right now two secret service agents are escorting the President down here from the residence. He thinks he's coming to find me to approve of his tux for his meeting with the President of France. I'm going to turn out the lights now; you all know what to do when he comes in."

Safely out of earshot, Josh turned to Sam, amused. "You think he's gonna fall for that?"

Sam laughed. "Not a chance."

The lights went out.

*****

"My wife tries this every year, you know," Bartlet said to the secret service agents, buttoning his sleeves as they walked down the long corridors. "Every year she tries to throw me a surprise birthday party. It gets more and more elaborate, she tries harder and harder to keep it from me. But every year I find out about it. Still, it's awful fun to watch her give it her best shot. My wife is very cute, don't you think?"

"Yes, sir," the agents said impassively.

"Hey, watch it fellas, you're talking abot the Firtst Lady of the United States."

"Yes, sir."

"All right," he said, standing outside the ballroom, "here I go." He walked in slowly, looking around and, pretending to go along with it, called out softly, "Abby?"

"SURPRISE!!" As the lights came back on everyone jumped out and yelled, noisemakers blaring. Bartlet clutched his chest and stepped backwards as if they had scared him half to death. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!"

Abigail cam up beside him. "Were you surprised?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

He nodded emphatically and grinned at her, then said, "No."

"How do you --"

"I'm the leader of the free world, sweetheart, I have my ways."

*****

"Hey, C.J."

She turned around. "Oh, hey, Leo. It's a great party."

"Yeah. Abby put a lot of work into it. Say, you haven't seen Toby around, have you?"

"He's not here. I was talking to him earlier today, and I don't think he's coming."

"Oh Abby's going to kill him. Why not?"

"His father's funeral is tomorrow, you know, he wasn't really in a party mood."

"He'd probably feel better amond friends."

"Thas what I told him," C.J. sighed. "But you know Toby, he never listens to reason."

"Actually," Leo smiled, "I think he's got a reason all his own."

"Indeed."

Leo left, and Katie came over to her sister. "Do you have any idea how awesome your job is?"

"Well, this is certainly one of its highlights."

"I don't think there'll be much of this for me as a teacher."

"I'd imagine not."

"Hey, would you mind if I went out with Zoey and Charle after the party? They were telling me about a great club they hang out at a lot."

"Not at all, have a great time. I'm glad you've become friends with them."

"They're so cool. Well, I'll see you later."

"I won't wait up."

*****

"Excuse me, everyone, if I could just interrupt for a moment," Bartlet, said, beginning a toast. "I'll make this brief. First, to my beautiful wife, who has once again masterminded an extraordinary birthday party for me, and has once again failed miserably in her attempts to keep it a secret. To be perfectly honest, dear, I will concede I was in the dank on a number of details, so congratulations -- you get better at this every year. But you could've done better than a tuxedo fitting, couldn't you? Also, a big thanks to every person in this room: you have never wavered in your support of me, helping me every day to retain my credibility, sanity and faith in humanity, and I cant think of a group of people I'd rather be with tonight on my... 39th birthday."

Laughter arose from the crowd. "How many 39th birthdays has this been, Mr. President?" Josh teased him.

"I don't think I like what I have just been accused of. Anyway, enough of this -- you can all go back to the party. Oh, one more thing," he added, listening to the pulsating beat of the pop dance remixes playing. "Who the hell is in charge of the music here?"

"I am!" Zoey giggled.

"Sweetie, I don't know whose party you were trying to set to music, but it couldn't have been mine. How about some Frank Sinatra, some Englebert Humperdink?"

"Englebert who?"

Bartlet sighed. "Our nation's youth simply has no appreciation for good music anymore. You know what, it's my birthday, and I am going to pick one song I can dance with my wife to."

He whispered something in Zoey's ear, and in a minute the opening notes of "This Guy's in Love with You" played, and Bartlet took his wife's hand, leading her to the dance floor; Charlie took Zoey's.

C.J. felt a pang of lonliness and her friends and colleagues paired off and started dancing. She headed to the bar to appear as if she had something to do, but when she turned around she saw Toby standing in the doorway. He smiled a little when he caught her eye. They moved toward each other slowly, and put their arms around each other when they met and began to dance.

"I didn't think you were going to be here."

"I wasn't. But I realized you were right."

"About what?"

"I realized I really didn't feel better alone."

"I knew you wouldn't."

She buried her face in his neck and he drew his arms tighter around her back. He was silent for a long time. He seemed more upset than he had been all week and she was pretty sure it was something new that was troubling him, but she didn't press it. She knew it wasn't her counsel he was seeking -- only her company.

*****

Sam elbowed Josh. "Hey, what do you think's going on over there?"

"Where?"

He pointed. "With C.J. and Toby."

Josh raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "That's a good question."

"You know, I've seen the two of them together sort of like that before, in some vaguely compromising postitions. But that -- that is blatant."

Josh shrugged. "Maybe she's just helping him through his father's death."

"Yeah, maybe." Sam wasn't convinced.

As the song ended, the First Lady passed by them and Josh pulled her aside. "Do you know anything about that?" he asked, indicating the two, who were still in each other's arms after the music stopped.

"No," she said, a little too quickly, then laughed at them. "You boys really need to go on a date or two."

"Don't we know it."

*****

Toby pulled away and looked down, uncomfortable. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I wasn't entirely honest with you before."

"It's okay...."

"My mother called me about a week and a half ago. I told you I knew he was dying, but -- she called me, and she told me he had another heart attack. She said he only had a few days." He couldn't look at her as tears welled in his eyes. "She begged me to come see him..."

"Oh God, Toby..." She hugged him close to her agian, tears forming in her eyes in response to his. She couldn't stand seeing him like this. She would have done anything to take his pain away, but she had never felt more helpless in her life. "I don't want you to be alone tonight," she whispered, almost desperately. "Come home with me. Katie's going out with Charlie and Zoey. Just come home with me."

"C.J...."

"No, I don't -- I just don't want you to be alone tonight."

He pulled away from her again. "I don't think that's a good idea. The funeral is tomorrow. I have to leave early to drive up with Diane."

She tensed up at the mention of her name, and remembered seeing them together the day before. But before she could respond, he was gone.

Abigail, who couldn't help observing some of the conversation, allowed a moment to pass for C.J. to compose herself and then went over to talk to her.

"C.J."

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Bartlet. It's a fabulous party."

"Well I think all the work paid off this year, even if he wasn't surprised."

"It does every year."

"Listen, you know to tell me when I'm being too nosy, right?"

"Sure."

"You look kind of upset. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine."

"Come to think of it, Toby didn't look so great himself." Abigail gave her a knowing look, and C.J. realized she was well aware of what was happening between them. "What's going on, C.J.?"

"Toby's father died, he --"

"You've been there for him."

"Yes."

"And you're upset--"

"--because he's upset."

"Okay, here's the deal," Abigail said, leading her outside of the party. "I am more than willing to walk away right now and go back in there believing that's all there is to it. But bear two things in mind: I'm the only impartial person who knows anything about this, and I'm very good at giving advice."

"That's all very true."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

C.J. thought about it, then nodded. "Yes."

"So this has brought the two of you closer together."

"Yes."

"Has it brought you back together?"

"I -- No, not exactly. I honestly only wanted to be a friend to him. But being that close, with him so vulnerable and trusting, it --"

"It rekindled something."

"Yeah. But he keeps drawing me in and pushing me away -- like tonight. I know he didn't come here for the party. He came here to find me. And he tells me all these private things he'd never say to anyone else, but just when I feel like I might be able to help him, just when I get close to him, he runs away again." C.J. threw up her arms in frustration. "I don't know what he wants. I don't even know what I want. I thought we'd put this behind us, I really did. And he's certainly in no position..." she trailed off and looked away.

"You know, C.J., I always thought the two of you would be great together. But you have the worst timing imaginable!"

"You mean his ex-wife."

"Twice now, C.J."

"I think he's still in love with her." She was shocked by her own words. It was the first time she allowed herself to confess her suspicion.

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know what it is exactly, but there's something there. Have you seen them together?"

"Yes, I've sen it," Abigail admitted.

"The funeral is tomorrow, and he doesn't want me there. I think he left tonight to be with her."

"Hey, don't jump to any conclusions until you hear it from him. He's incredibly torn, and you aren't thinking straight. Remember, I saw you two together as well. And there was definitely something there, too."

"What should I do?"

"You have to be honest with yourself. You can tell me you don't know what you want, but you know in your heart whether you want to be there for him or with him."

"What else?"

"I hate to say it, but I'm afraid the only other thing you can do is wait. Like you said, he vulnerable, he's hurting. You have to be patient with him. Give him time to sort through his feelings. He'll come around. And in the meantime, be a friend to him."

C.J. smiled. "As always, you know exactly what to say."

"I helped?"

"Yes."

"You feel a little better?"

"I feel a lot better. Thank you."

"Anytime." C.J. started to leave, but Abigail called after her, "C.J.?"

She turned back.

"I really always thought the two of you would be great together."

*****

C.J. jolted awake, with no idea what had disturbed her sleep. She sat up in her bed, listening intently, afraid someone might be trying to break into her home. Then she heard it again -- the doorbell. She got out of bed somewhat angrily, grabbing her robe as she headed for the door. This was the first night in longer than she could remember that she had gone to bed before midnight, and now she wouldn't have a chance to take full advantage of it. She figured Katie had forgotten her key, but had trouble mustering up any sympathy even for her own sister in the moment.

She pulled the door open, ready to yell at whoever she found on the other side, but every trace of rage left her when she saw who it really was: Toby, standing there as confused and uncertain as she had appeared the night before at his door. But when their eyes met they both finally understood, without a word or a gesture, what kept drawing them to each other, and what they were doing together now. As she let him into her home she let him into her heart; there was no going back now, no stopping it. Neither one wanted to.

They fell into each other's arms easily, their bodies instinctively remembering the refuge they had found there all those years ago, the places they had gone to hide, the places they had gone to feel safe. It felt as if nothing had changed. Their breath rose and fell together, breathing each other's air; arms moving gracefully as they had before, never hesitating. It was comfortable, warm, and free.

His hot breath against her neck as he kissed her below the ear was suddenly sharply peirced by the feeling of a strange cold object on the other side of her neck. She didn't understand what it was at first. She reached back for his hand cupped around her neck, intertwining her fingers with his. Instantly she realized what it was. His wedding ring. This isn't what Abby was talking about..., she knew. This was not him coming to her having sorted through his emotions, ready to love her freely. Still, he was there, and she needed him too much to let him go on a technicality. He was there, and she knew what that meant.

She relaxed again, drawing him still closer to her. Their bodies said everything their words and minds would not yet allow them to; they knew the truth. There was no need to think of the outside world. With nothing left to fear for just a moment, in graceful steps and tender kisses they danced their way back to her bedroom.

 


	5. Heart and Shoulder 5

Diane looked over at Toby, driving to the funeral. "Do you know what you're going to say?"

He kept his eyes fixed straight on the road. "For the eulogy?"

"Yeah."

"I haven't thought about it."

"You're a professional speechwriter."

"That doesn't mean I have any experience with this sort of thing."

"It's really important to you, isn't it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine." She crossed her arms and stared straight ahead, silently insinuating she had more to say about it.

"What?"

"You don't want to talk about it with me."

He knew exactly what she was getting at. "God, Diane!"

She was indignant. "You don't think I should be bothered by it?"

"After you ignore me for years and leave me the second you realize for once I'd done something that actually made me happy -- no, I don't think you can expect to come sweeping back into my life and be the shoulder I cry on, and I don't think you should be bothered when I do lean on someone who is quite possibly the only person who has ever cared about me unconditionally!"

"Your mistress!"

"Oh, let's just be honest about what you're really mad at here, Diane. You aren't mad because I had an affair; you're mad because you lost control over my life. You're mad because I took on a presidential campaign after you ordered me not to. You always wanted to control my life but you stopped being a part of it long before C.J. ever came into the picture! You were looking for a reason to leave me, and that was the perfect excuse for you!"

"You wanted out of it just as much as I did! The only difference is you didn't have the guts to walk out, so you went and had an affair hoping that would be enough to make me leave! You just wanted to have someone to blame, and that was fine by me. But you aren't mad because I left. You're mad because I paid more attention to my job than to you."

"I wanted to try to put our marriage back together."

"Are you saying the divorce was all my fault?"

"You didn't even try, Diane."

"I cannot believe you have managed to convince yourself you were in no way responsible for it!"

"I was reponsible for it! But you were too, damnit!"

"Look--"

"Can't you just admit you were equally responsible for the divorce?"

"Yes! Yes, I was equally responsible for the divorce. I was equally responsible for the mess that was our marriage. But I was equally responsible for the good times too! And I was equally hurt by the end of it. Do you think just because I wanted it over, just because I wanted the pain to stop, that I never cared at all?"

He realized what she was saying was true, and he felt awful. "I'm sorry, Diane. I've been such a jerk."

"Not just to me, either."

*****

"Hey, Josh." C.J. caught up with him in the hall. "What's going on with the bill?"

He looked annoyed by the thought of it. "Last I heard they were attaching more inane amendments to it. Looks like they're not going to get around to the actual vote until Monday now."

"This is ridiculous."

"Yeah, we screwed this one up big time, if you ask me."

"It's a good thing Toby's not around this morning -- he'd have a fit."

He eyed her suspiciously for a moment, remembering seeing them dance the night before. He was about to say something about it, but quickly reconsidered. "Nevermind," he said, walking away.

"Okay."

*****

Toby stood in front of the family and friends he hadn't seen in years and felt every eye upon him questioning him, regarding him a stranger. He imagined they were all thinking He left his father, he refused to come back when he was dying -- how dare he come back now? He still had no idea what he was going to say, but he had to say something.

"Ah, thank you all for being here. I know it would have made my father very happy to see this room filled with the people he loved in life and who loved him. That said, some of you must be wondering what I'm doing here. And to be perfectly honest with you, I have no idea. As I'm sure you know, my father and I never had a great relationship, and in the last few years we haven't even been on speaking terms. I wasn't what he wanted in a son; he certainly wasn't what I needed in a father.

"I know it isn't kind to say, and this might not be the place to say it, but this is a place for truth, and standing up here expounding on how great a man he was, and how much I loved him, and how much I will moss him would be a lie. He was the most selfish, egomaniacal, narrow-minded son of a bitch I have ever known, and I say this even working in the field I do. He never listened to what my dreams were, much less encourage them. I leave home for college, he refuses to pay a cent. I pursue a career in politics, he refuses to acknowledge it as anything more than a hobby. I get a divorce, he refuses to speak to me for the rest of his life. I can't believe you all would sit here in this place that represents everything that is good and remember my father a great man. You all are a bunch of goddamned hypocrites."

He stopped and looked around at the appalled and mortified faces watching him. They couldn't believe what he had done, and neither could he. His eyes welled with tears. "I did lie to you just now. Everything I said about my father was true -- he was not a great man. But he was my father. I did love him, and I will miss him. He was my father. And I -- God, I can't believe it took me so long to see that."

*****

Both were quiet for most of the ride back, stunned and drained from the events of the day. In the end, his family understood. He left feeling he had put at least one old demon to rest.

Finally Diane broke the silence. "What are you thinking?"

"Do you remember how much you used to hate it when I asked you that?"

"Yep."

"I see, this is, what, this is retribution now?"

"You bet."

"Well I'm thinking traffic is obscenely backed up for 3:30 in the afternoon."

"Come on, seriously, Toby."

"You don't want to know."

"Sure I do."

"I don't think you do."

"Let me guess then. You're thinking about C.J."

He sighed. "I just left things in a bad place --"

"You don't have to explain anything to me. I don't own you." She paused for a moment, considering the thought that was running through her head, and finally decided she wanted to know. "Tell me about her."

Toby couldn't believe his ears. " C.J.?"

"Yeah."

"Are you serious?"

"I want to know how you met, what made you fall for her."

"You really want to hear about this?"

"Yeah."

He shook his head at the absurdity of the thought of telling his ex-wife how much the woman he had an affair with meant to him. But he needed to tell somebody, and he wasn't having much luck with the one person who really should hear it.

"Well -- I was attracted to her from the first time I met her, I guess. She just struck me as someone who was so strong, so sure of herself -- it was like she transcended all the women who had triumphed over the idea that politics is a man's game because she refused to acknowledge that it was to begin with. She was tough and compassionate all at once, and she had a wicked sense of humor. We weren't together very long but for awhile there, I had a reason to be happy again. I... I really cared about her a lot."

Watching him talk about her, Diane realized what Toby wouldn't allow himself to. What surprised her was that it actually made her feel good. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

He sighed, unsure of his feelings. "All those things I said, I could just ast easily have said about you. I always wondered if on some level I saw in her only a more accessible version of you, one I hadn't already ruined everything with. I'm afraid that loving C.J. is just an extension of loving you."

"I think you're afraid she doesn't love you as much as you love her."

"Well I was always afraid of that with you."

"And you know what? I was afraid of the same thing. If you would just talk to her, Toby, you might find she's thinking the exact same things you are. Of course, you must be afraid of that too."

Toby smiled sheepishly. "Yeah."

"You know, you are a lot more fearful than I ever gave you credit for. Have you ever told her all those things you just told me?"

"No."

"Have you ever thought maybe you should?"

"Sure, I think about it a lot."

"If you love her, will you tell her?"

"Yes. I just don't know what to do with that 'if' yet."

*****

When Toby got to the West Wing late that afternoon C.J. came into his office and found him at his desk. She sat in the chair across from him. "Hey."

"Hello."

"How did it go?"

He looked up from his computer. "C.J., I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"A lot of things."

"Leaving?"

"For one."

She leaned back in her chair. "When did you go?"

"About an hour after you fell asleep."

"That's fine."

"No, it's not."

"Forget about it. How did it go?"

"It was fine. C.J.--"

"Really, how did it go?"

"It was a disaster, all right? Look--"

"You're not going to tell me what happened?"

He was becoming impatient with her avoidance of what she knew he was going to say. "It doesn't matter!"

"It does matter!"

"C.J.!"

She gave in, resigned. "What?"

"What happens next?"

"I don't know."

It was a pointless question. Neither one was prepated to answer, and even if they were they both knew neither one would. Still it was the only thing they could think of: What happens next?

"You were right, again," Toby said.

"What now?"

"We just don't work."

She nodded sadly. "Yeah."

"Yeah."

She held his gaze for a moment, then stood.

"Where are you going?"

She struggled to answer. "Wherever." The look in her eyes said it all: This is too painful; I can't do this anymore.

She left, but immediately chastised herself for it. She wasn't one to walk away from anything without a fight, and she wasn't one to tiptoe around other people's feelings when she had something to say, no matter how upset they were. She returned to his office, purposefully and angrily.

"You know what, you can mope around all you want, refusing to take charge and admit what you really feel, as long as you remember this: that once there was a time when you were happy, and you were happy because of me. You aren't happy now, Toby, but you were. I'm not talking about the occasional smile or joke. You used to walk around with a goofy grin on your face just because there was no reason not to, you used to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead. It was brief but you were happy, and you were happy because of me. And I know that because once there was a time when I was happy and it was because of you." With that, she turned and left again.

He followed her to her office and slammed the door behind him. "Did you really think I forgot all of that?"

"If you didn't you obviously don't care about it anymore."

"Like you're talking charge and admitting your true feelings!"

"No, I'm not, Toby. But I'm not the one who comes to you for support one minute and pushes you away the next. I'm not the one that just kisses you then says there's no way for this to work. And I'm not the one coming to your house in the middle of the night and leaving without a second thought!"

"I told you I was sorry for that. And there was a second thought."

"Always after the fact. After the fact you feel bad about it and seek me out again and it starts all over again."

"Why are you doing this, C.J.?"

"Because I have tried all week to be there for you whenever you needed me -- and I did't even mind it when you pushed me away. It's when you make me need you again and then push me away that I object to, and you know you're doing it! I don't know what you want, Toby, I don't know if this is your way of telling me you want me back or if this is you trying to hang onto me while keeping me at arms length or if you're just being cruel, but you are being so unfair to me. I know you're having a hard time and I want so much to help you, but you can't think you can just walk back into my life and reopen that chapter that I had resolved without owing me some kind of explanation! And I..." She looked away from him, and continued, softer, "I don't want to see you again until you can be honest with me."

He stood there for a long time, trying to find it within him to tell her the truth, or at least come up with a snappy comeback; he found neither, so he left, without a word, leaving her alone again. She fell back onto the couch, burying her head in her hands.

*****

"Claude, are you all right?" Katie asked, back at C.J.'s later that night.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You just seem a little, I don't know -- distant."

"I'm fine. It's just been a long day."

"Liar." Katie smiled at her. "You're thinking about Toby, aren't you?"

"He's driving me absolutely crazy."

"I know he is!"

"I don't mean the good way." C.J. sighed. "I just want to let it go and stop thinking about him, but I can't! And I think I'm punishing him somehow, but this is exactly waht he wants me to do, sit here and not be able to get him out of my head."

"Did something happen today?"

"Nothing that hasn't happened a million times before. Nothing I won't let happen a million times again. I don't know why I keep going back. I know I'm just going to end up heartbroken and alone -- why do I keep going back?"

"Because you're in love with him."

"You know, I really wish you would stop throwing that word around. You're too young to know it and I probably shouldn't burst your bubble now but most people don't get to fall in love. And those who do, most of them don't get to be happy with it."

"Why do the two of you have to make it so complicated? If you want to be with him and he wants to be with you, why does there have to be anything more to it?"

"Because it is complicated, Katie. There are so many problems between us \-- that maybe we could never work out. And even if we did, there wouldn't be much left of us standing."

"Love is love, and the rest of it doesn't matter. You get the love part down, you can handle the rest of the crap."

"Well that's very poetic but in this case I think there's just too much crap."

"I know you're wrong, Claude."

"I need to get some air. I'm going to go for a walk."

*****

Toby had been out walking the streets of D.C. for what seemed like hours after leaving the West Wing, sorting through his feelings and agonizing over the mess he had made of every relationship that had ever meant anything to him in his life. He knew that if he could make sense of everything he still had a shot at salvaging one of them, but he couldn't figure out where to begin.

Honesty. The truth. It sounded simple enough. He knew what she expected from him and he knew what he wanted to say. He'd known for so long and wanted to tell her, but everytime he saw her he froze. He was never at a loss for words with anyone in any situation, except when faced with C.J. Cregg and honesty.

There she was, sitting on the steps of the reflecting pool where she had found him just days ago, waiting, accessible and unassuming. He chuckled to himself, seeing her there; it was almost as if they had each known that the other would need them and be there at just that particular moment.

He walked over and sat down next to her.

"I was wondering when you were going to get mad at me."

"I felt awful the second after I did it."

"I had it coming."

"Maybe, but it still didn't feel good."

He reached for her, taking her hand in his, putting his arm around her, holding her close to him. This time, he found no reason to hide from her. He wanted to tell her the truth.

"You know, last night, when you fell asleep in my arms -- it was the most amazing feeling, that you trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms. It isn't like it never happened before, and it isn't like it never happened with you before, but it felt different. Maybe because of all we've been through. I was just lying there, watching you sleep, thinking about how much you trusted me \-- I know that sounds crazy. There was a part of me that wanted to stay, and stay forever if you'd have me, and I want you to know it was a very vocal minority, but everything else in me screamed that I should leave. The truth is I wanted to leave long before I did, or not have come at all. There were so many times I wanted to run away from you, and I know it must seem awful to have left, but it's only because of you that I stayed that long. It just amazed me how much you trusted me, to fall asleep in my arms, trusted me to be there when you woke up, to be there... And I'm sorry I screwed that up."

"You didn't."

"I did."

"No, because you never would have said all that --"

"It's only because of you."

"You didn't screw it up."

"I just wish I said it sooner."

"Yeah."

"I wanted to say that now because there's still so many doubts, and I don't know if I can get over them. But I didn't want you to think -- I mean, I needed you to know that last night, and all of this, means the world to me. And I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I'm sorry about not asking you to come to the funeral with me. I know you wanted to be there and I know it hurt you."

"I just wanted to be there for you."

"And I don't want to seem ungrateful about that. It's just that -- with my whole family there, and everything that happened..."

"I understand that."

"Still, I wanted you to be there."

"I know."

"C.J., I know what I want, but I'm having trouble trusting in it the way you seem to. I worry that I only come to you when I'm lonely. I worry that you're always going to be a reminder to me of the way I hurt Diane and I'd never be able to be happy with you again. I worry that you're a lot like her in a lot of ways and we would end up just like that. And I can't go through that again. I can't learn to trust you and then lose you. I can't survive another broken heart \-- I mean, literally, I don't think I could take it, do you know what I mean?"

"I know exactly what you mean."

He started twisting his wedding band. "I worry about why I still wear this. It's been three years and I still wear my ring. And if all this time has gone by and I'm not over it -- will I ever be? I just don't know if it's because of the guilt, or if it's because of -- Diane. She said something to me earlier today, she said that she doesn't own me. But in a way she does, and I don't know when that's going to stop." He looked over at her, concerned. "I don't want to hurt you, C.J."

"I wanted you to be honest with me. This is what I wanted."

"You've been a great friend to me. I know it's much more than that, and you probably understand what that is, but I need to understand it myself. I think I'm close to it, and there is one other thing I want to say to you -- I know I mean it, I know I want to say it and I know you want to hear it, but it isn't fair to you to say it until I've found a way to reconcile all these doubts. I have been so unfair to you, and that ends right here. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want you to hurt anymore either and I swear to God, C.J., if I was ever worthy of your trust at all, I'm never going to hurt you again."

 


	6. Heart and Shoulder 6

"I can't believe this is my last day here!" Katie said, walking into the West Wing with C.J. for the last time.

"I know -- God, I'm going to miss having you around here! Everyone else here will too, you know that?"

"The people here are so great. I'm going to miss them. I have to go say goodbye to everyone."

"Okay. Meet me in my office in about an hour an a half, all right? Your flight is at 11:10."

"Okay." Katie walked in the opposite direction down the hallway with purposeful strides. She did want to say goodbye to all her new friends, but there was one person she had in mind specifically.

"Sam?"

He looked up immediately. "Hey, Katie. This is your last day, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I almost don't want to go back."

"Washington in winter, California in winter, I can see how you would be torn."

"Well, it's tough. Listen, I have a favor to ask of you."

Sam looked interested. "All right."

"First you have to promise never to tell anyone I told you about this. I wasn't sworn to secrecy or anything, but it was pretty much understood that it's confidential stuff."

"I promise."

"Okay." She closed his door and sat on the edge of his desk. "Now let's just say you knew two people who were absolutely made for each other, and they both want to be together, but they're both so stubborn and untrusting that they won't actually do anything about it. Wouldn't you want to do something to help them along?"

"Sure." Suddenly he realized. "Hey -- you're not talking about your sister and Toby, are you?"

"Yes! How did you know?"

"I've seen them together! I saw them together at the President's birthday party the other night and a whole bunch of times before that, but no one believed there was anything to it."

"Good, I'm not crazy. Will you help me?"

"I'll try, but I don't know what you think the two of us can do."

"I was thinking if you could just talk to Toby -- I mean, not directly, but..."

"Because," Sam interrupted, "you know that'll scare him and make him clam up."

"I figured. I don't know, if you just alluded to it somehow, plant the idea in his mind that he needs to do something...."

"You know what, I know exactly what I can say."

"Really?"

"Leave it to me, I've got it covered."

"Sam, I can't thank you enough."

"No problem, this takes care of my good turn for the day."

She laughed. "What, were you a Boy Scout, Sam?"

"I was an Eagle Scout, thank you very much."

*****

Toby went to C.J.'s office to talk to her and found it empty. "Carol?"

The secretary entered. "Yeah?"

"Do you know where C.J. is?"

She looked at him like he was crazy. "She's doing her morning briefing."

"Oh. Just started?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Do you want me to tell her you wanted to see her?"

"No, forget about it."

*****

"Hey, Toby." Sam walked into his office.

"Sam I'm really pretty busy here."

"Working on the final draft of the President's speech?"

"Yeah."

"You aren't putting anything about the education bill in there, are you?"

"No -- Sam, why the hell would we talk about some stupid battle we're having with Republican Senators in a speech to the President of France?"

"Because you're upset about it and that's something you tend to do when you're upset about things."

"I'm really not that upset about it."

"Well, maybe you could put something in there."

"Sam, are you on something right now? I swear to God, I have serious work to do."

"Hear me out. Something like -- you know, just as a parallel -- the future of a country and its citizens should not be subject to petty little arguments, petty little doubts that each side holds, when both parties know that if they just got it through -- the bill, I mean -- everyone would be better off. If both parties could figure out a way to work together and understand each other, just stop fighting with each other for the sake of fighting, they'd probably see that when it really comes down to it, they have the same view of the issue. That being that nothing is more important than the future, and we only have a short time to ensure the future will be what we want it to be. The two parties are never going to agree on exactly how this should be done, but at least get into a room and talk and a lot would get accomplished. That was kinda meandering; don't quote me verbatim."

"Well thank you, Sam."

"Are you going to use any of that?"

"No."

"Okay. Can I just ask --"

"Because it's irrelevant, pointless, inane..."

"Okay, point taken. But you see what I'm getting at here, Toby?"

Toby looked up and really looked Sam in the eye for the first time. He couldn't be sure if Sam knew what was going on between him and C.J., but it sure seemed like it. In any case, it reminded him of her and what he knew he had to do -- of course, everything seemed to remind him that morning. But Sam made it seem more urgent somehow. "Yeah, I know."

"This is big, Toby. Don't screw it up."

"Yeah."

"'Cause, you know, the State Department's really particular about these toasts." Sam flashed him one last smile and, certain he had done his job, left.

Toby only waited a moment before he set out again for C.J.'s office, with renewed purpose. But again he found it empty. Carol anticipated his question this time and told him C.J. had left for the airport with Katie. It was just as well. His doubts had began to lessen, but there was still one more thing he had to deal with before he had any right to tell C.J. everything he was thinking.

*****

"Well, I guess this is it." Katie shifted her carry-on bag to the other shoulder as she stood in the airport with C.J.

"I guess so." C.J. smiled sadly. "This week went by so fast."

"Well, it only seemed that way because you spent half your time with Toby and not with me." The remark seemed to hurt her sister's feelings, and Katie added quickly, "I'm kidding. I just hope it was time well spent and everything works out for the two of you."

The woman's voice came over the speaker informing the passengers it was their last chance to board the plane.

"Oh, I've got to go. But listen, call me tomorrow morning."

"Katie, I'm going to call you tonight as soon as you get back home!"

"No you won't. You're going to be busy tonight."

"What are you talking about?" C.J. asked, puzzled.

"You'll see." Katie hugged her before she could question her more. "I'm going to miss you!"

"I'll miss you more! Oh, I don't want to let you get on that plane. You have to come back over the summer or for a quick weekend soon. Phone calls are not enough."

"I'll be back soon," she assured her sister as she started moving towards the gate. "Or you come visit me, if you ever get a weekend free."

"That's a big if!"

"Oh, and when you do, Claude, bring Toby with you!" Katie disappeared from sight before she could answer. C.J. stood there for a minute in silence and then walked away with a confused smile on her face.

*****

"C.J." Carol met her as she returned to the West Wing. "Toby wants to talk to you."

"About what?"

"I don't know, but he's been driving me crazy all morning."

"Is he in his office?"

"No, Ginger told me he went to see his ex-wife off at the airport. He was probably hoping he would catch you there."

"I don't understand --"

"Neither do I, but he's asked me where you were at least five times today. So talk to him as soon as he gets back, will you?"

"Okay." She went into her office, even more confused, wondering what Toby could have to say that was so important, and wondering if it had anything to do with the strange way Katie had been acting.

*****

"So,"Diane started, waiting for her flight to board, "you gonna take off your ring now?"

Toby smirked at her. "You gonna change your name now?"

"They're not exactly the same thing."

"Why not?"

"My maiden name is ridiculous."

"Diane Weimerskirch, I always thought that had a nice ring to it," he laughed.

"So, what are you going to do now?"

"Well, I've got a lot of work to do so I'm headed back to the West Wing \--"

"You know what I mean."

"What am I going to do now?"

"About C.J."

"Well I'm going to... I don't know."

"I'll tell you what you're gonna do. Your plan was pretty good."

"Head back to the West Wing?"

"Yeah, go back to the West Wing," she said, smiling. "March right into her office, sweep her off her feet, tell her you love her and live happily ever after."

"Diane --"

"What? She makes you happy, Toby."

"You made me happy. That's no guarantee of anything."

"Toby, what you have with C.J.... it's not the same thing. As much as I hate to admit it, you were never that happy with me."

"Diane..."

"I can see it, Toby. Maybe you don't realize it yet, but I see it. Everytime she walks into a room, when someone mentions her name, when you were telling me about her yesterday -- you just light up. You never looked at me like that."

"I did."

"No, you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make you feel bad about what we were. I'm trying to make you feel good about what you two are."

"I've been trying all morning to do exactly what you're telling me to do. Good thing I haven't been able to find her because I have a feeling I'd chicken out if I did."

"Why?"

"Because it's not as easy as you think it is, Diane."

"Well, why not?"

"Because--"

"Because you're still carrying around the past? Toby, what are you going to do, carry around this secret love you have for two women and be alone for the rest of your life? Not even you, Toby Ziegler, are strong enough to live for three people at once. So I'm getting out. From now on, all you have to worry about is you. And C.J." He still looked unconvinced, and didn't respond. She looked deep into his eyes and said, "Didn't you ever think that maybe loving me was just an extension of loving C.J.?"

A huge weight seemed to lift off his shoulders as he realized what she was saying was true. "Yeah."

She smiled at him. "Yeah. So what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going back to the West Wing."

"That's what I thought."

"You're amazing, you know that? Thank you."

"You know, I always thought that I would want you to suffer. But when I saw how much you really were --"

"Oh, believe me, I'll suffer."

"Well, if C.J.'s anything like me at all."

They laughed, and then held each other in a warm embrace. It felt good to finally be in a place of real friendship. "I love you, you know," he whispered in her ear.

"I love you too." She pulled away and gave him one last look. "I better go."

"Take care."

"Good luck."

*****

Toby was almost running through the West Wing when he got back, and he didn't notice the staffers staring at him as he passed them. He was focused single-mindedly and he couldn't wait a second more than was absolutely necessary to do what he needed to do. This time when he reached C.J.'s office he found her sitting at her desk. In his excitement he slammed the door behind him, causing C.J. to jump. He strode over to her desk.

"C.J., I have to tell you something."

"Yeah, Carol told me. Stop harrassing my secretary."

"All right, but right now I have to tell you something." He hit her desk with one hand for emphasis.

She looked down at it, surprised. "You're not wearing your ring."

He smiled. "No, I'm not."

"You're not wearing your ring!" She stood up, excited. "What does that mean?"

"I'm trying to tell you what that means, if you would just --"

"Wait, maybe this isn't the time for this."

"No, C.J. --"

"I mean we agreed that we can't afford to not do this right."

"C.J., I've been wanting to say this for over three years, I've been ready to say it all day, I've been trying to track you down so I could just say it -- so help me God, C.J., if I don't say this right now --"

Their faces were inches apart. She whispered, "say it."

"I love you!"

"I love you too!"

Their faces moved closer together, their eyes closed, their lips almost touched -- then Toby pulled away suddenly. "You know," he said, "when I finally took the ring off, I found that I really liked wearing it. And I sort of miss it now."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And I was hoping that maybe some day I could put another one on my finger."

They both grinned as he pulled her close again again, hesitating for a moment to search each other's eyes, finally finding there everything they had sought for years -- and sealed it with a kiss.

THE END


End file.
